Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
