i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
