the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
