I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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