I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
