she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
