I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
