the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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