Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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