Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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