Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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