dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
