it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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