I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
