Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize