HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
