I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You're like the curious george of whores
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
