Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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