he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize