Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
