Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
