I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
