my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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