My nipple is on Facebook.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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