i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You ruined the universe
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
