Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
