I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
she pinky promised me she was 18
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
