tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
