My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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