The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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