I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
