Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I sprained my soul last night
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
