Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
