My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
