so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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