I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
