I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
