I can't watch pbs sober anymore
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
