we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There r osticjed everywhere
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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