i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize