he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
