im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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