I like my sex mixed with concussions.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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