I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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