fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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