I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
