so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
