How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
