so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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