how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
