well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
