You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
