i already hear my dad disowning me
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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