I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize