How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
