soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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