Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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