It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
