really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
