I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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