Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
