those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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