My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
