i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
