He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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