He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
