this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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