every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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