i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize