You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
