apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
In other news, I just burned my penis
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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