he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You're like the curious george of whores
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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