I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
im on a boat
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