I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
